Age is just a number, but….
I went to a WEEZER concert last night. Wow, takes you back. I often say that age is just a number and it is, but sometimes it just hits me. Holy shit. Have I really been out of high school for almost twenty years? Oh my gosh, WEEZER, they look old. Shit, I must look old. How did this happen?
The hubby and I at WEEZER
I am pretty sure I know why I look at the crumbling numbers of age the way that I do but most of the time I think that I have turned it around. Then, something like last night takes me back to how I used to feel about age and I have a hard time shaking it off for a little bit.
I remember going to concerts back in the day when the venues were not smoke-free. You would often smell cigarette smoke lingering with the occasional lit joint hidden in the crowds. They were dark dingy places where the floors were always sticky and the mosh pits always welcoming (well, at least to crazy teens like me that were super small but ready for the challenge).
I think that the night started off with a bang when my teenage sitter, that I adore, did not even know who WEEZER was and then I thought,
“Shit, am I already in that category?”
weezer
Music always takes me to a different place. It takes me to the time, the smells but most of all the feelings that I had when I listened to them the most. I really don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing in all honesty. At the tender age of around 14-16 I was mentally not in a good place. However, what I am always reminded of was the amazing friends that would surround me and be a part of these musical experiences.
Driving in my red Chevy Cavalier with the windows rolled down blasting Deftones or WEEZER on my cassette player. Yup, that’s right, cassette player. I am highly aware that my kids don’t even know what a cassette player is, hell maybe even the generation before them. Yikes!
We were most likely driving around the downtown Willoughby area where we usually hung out and chilled most of our teenage days. At the time, it was boring and we were always longing for something more but now, yes now, as memories tend to fade and take on a shimmer they did not have at the time, I look back on that time with fondness. I was young. I was free. I just didn’t realize how lucky I was. (Well, minus some things that plagued me at that time).
Back then I was a girl that defined myself by my family. Most people didn’t know it, but it bothered me 75% of the time. I thought I wasn’t good enough because I came from a broken home, we didn’t have a lot of money and most of my clothes were from the thrift store. Funny thing is, I later found out, that a lot of people thought I had a really trendy style and spent money on my clothes and in all honesty most kids didn’t give a crap about your family situation. I think it was just something that gave you a leg up, because if you had an involved family that had money you were in more extracurriculars and your parents set things up for you, I do that now for my own kids but didn’t know that was a thing growing up. I thought it was just because I wasn’t in the so called “popular” group. In all honesty, I didn’t even want to be and it’s not like they made fun of me or had anything against me, we just didn’t really cross paths. I had my friends with my style, an eclectic group and that was where I thrived (well, kind of. Ha ha!) .
Music brings back so much for me, but these days it often reminds me of my age and as much as you try to deny it and not let it be a thing. It’s still there. It is who you are.
I was joking to my husband that maybe we should just listen to younger, newer bands and then the concerts will not bring back the memories of way back when and make us feel old. But, let’s be honest, that is not what would happen, because then we would feel old because we most likely would be old in a group of younger people. Oh well, it is what it is.
I think that growing up I was made to feel that how you looked was important and that also shaped my view of aging. I’m not going to pretend like it isn’t still important to me that I look well put together and presentable. It actually makes me laugh because many have said that I look so put together, when most of the time I feel like I may just be falling apart inside. Funny, but not funny. That is what anxiety and I am also starting to believe ADHD can make you feel like on the inside. I am a pretty amazing actor to be able to pull off a different persona when I truly am the definition of a hot mess express.
What does music do for you? I hold onto it and embrace it, because truly it has gotten me through so much and as we age, I know that it will continue to do so for me.
Age is just a number. Don’t forget to remind yourself of that. Make what you will of the number, but live your life and look in the mirror with a smile because you have made it this far and you continue to age. Not everyone is that lucky.
With lots of love. Thank you for reading.
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