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Insignificant. I am not.

Have you ever felt so insignificant? Like you really just don’t matter? I have to be honest, this is a feeling I fight with every day. Some days I feel like I have conquered it all and others I feel like I should just stop trying because it will not change.

I can tell you where it all started, at least I think, but I am just not sure how to put an end to it. I will try my damndest though. My three children mean the world to me and I want them to always know that they are important and they are significant. My actions or behaviors can indirectly affect them.

Me and my three

Here I currently sit, at my neighborhood Panera. I tell you what…it is not somewhere to sit If you are trying to work on feeling important. Here in this city that I live it’s a bit pompous. Maybe I feel like I can write more about it now because we are trying so fucking hard to get out of this city filled with Powellites (that would be the name I came up with for Powell peeps that are full of themselves.) I know I am not alone because whenever I find someone that lives in this Godforsaken city and I feel like they get the same vibes, I bring it up and yup, they have the same sentiment. It’s sad really. We should be in this beautiful city where people like to flaunt their money with their fancy cars and name brand everything and there should be a feeling of belonging and happiness. Yeah, it doesn’t feel that way.

I want to think it’s just me being insecure but honestly, if it’s not just me feeling it, it’s there alright. I wish you could be here sitting with me and see what I am talking about. Most of the women that have walked in the door have name brand boots without a scuff, purses that shine and shimmer that show they have the money to put into them and the perfect haircuts that are maintained every 4 weeks like you’re supposed to (actually, I am not sure is that the right amount of time? I wait forever and a day until I look a mess). When I see a random hot-mess mom walk in the door I have the urgency to put up my fingers just like Katniss to let her know I am with her. I haven’t done it yet, but they don’t come frequently enough for me to test it.

I was just not raised to have confidence and be outspoken. When my friends that were a bit outspoken would come around my mom would say they were snotty or full of themselves. As much as I loved them, I was made to feel like it was not okay to just be you and be proud.

Photo by emily reider on Unsplash

In all honesty though, my Mom did not like any of my friends. Most of the time I was pretty sure my mom did not even like me. It’s just how it was. We were different people and I feel I was made to feel different. I made sure that as I got older I did not do anything like my mother. At all. My siblings bought into the whole “I’ll be your friend and you can buy me smokes and shit” game but I wanted nothing to do with it. Most likely this is why, for quite some time, my mom made me out to be the snob of the family. It bothered me for a while, but then it finally went away because I was able to let go of a lot of insecurities that I had because of my mom and just accept her for who she is. I really don’t know if she was in her right mind when she was young and I know she has her own demons that she is dealing with. I know she loves me now and she especially loves her grandkids. She doesn’t come around like I would like, but I know that she does not have the same resources that I do. Am I making excuses, maybe? But, this is how I have come to accept it and appreciate my mom. She may not have always been there mentally but she was mostly there physically and that is something coming from someone that did not have a father most of her life.

It’s really hard for me to write about these things because I know that it may hurt some feelings, which seems ironic since I am the one that was hurt, but I get it. It’s hard to hear these things that are in the past. Some may have forgotten and even moved on, but unfortunately, I still live with them. I am just doing my best to work through it as an adult trying to not have children with these insecurities.

It’s funny because I feel like I did not really come out of my shell until college. I was always kind of loud and social, but I usually only showed that side of me to my Grandma and Grandpa and a select few. I remember going to parties and having this energy that made me fun and silly and people were attracted to that side of me. What really sparked this change was the break up with my high school boyfriend and I. He was a great guy. The sparks just fizzled out after a while and I started to feel like I was missing out on a lot of things by staying in the relationship. More so, it had become more toxic than anything. I was a college age girl with an itch for newness and opening up my horizons. It worked for me.

It kind of depends on the day, my mood and the person that I went to the party with. Now that I look back on it, this is still something that I have been working on even to this day. Sometimes I tend to change myself like a chameleon depending on who I am with and what I think they can handle from me. In my heart of hearts, I always want to be the life of the party. Not necessarily for the attention but more for the shear fact that I just love people and socializing and letting others know that they are important. However, we cannot forget that I am extremely insecure, no matter how hard I try to pretend like I am so self-confident and full of myself. So sometimes when I am feeling good, my meds are right, I’m not dealing with the week before my period and the kids haven’t made me extra frazzled, I can be that life of the party I want to be. So pretty much one day out of the month. Hey, it’s something.

Photo by Michael Discenza on Unsplash

I hate that I let others shape me. I am trying really hard to change that. They don’t even know that they do it. I don’t think they are trying either. I didn’t realize I was doing it until recently. I used to get so mad at my friends that would change for their boyfriends or current friend of the month, sometimes becoming a different person, but now I see that I do it sometimes, too.

I have now talked to Shannon about this because I was ashamed. I did it A LOT when I was with him. I calmed down my absurdities, I wouldn’t dance at a party or make silly comments all because I thought Shannon would think I was cheesy and apparently, I care what he thinks. I mean, it makes sense, he’s the person I chose to spend my life with.  However, I do not want to feel like I am holding back for that reason. This new revelation in me has brought me to a brighter sense of self. It’s been enlightening. This book has helped me a lot to realize my worth and my purpose.

Since my most recent realization I now talk openly and honestly about my Spiritual thoughts and feelings. I used to be subdued because I didn’t want Shannon to balk at me and roll his eyes, but now if he even starts I let him know. He stops and I keep going. Here is where I stand. I believe in God, I love going to church, but you know what else? I love gay people, I love people that have listened to their inner being, like I am beginning to do and moved onward with their life, no matter how hard it may have been for others to accept. Talking to people that know what they feel and are not afraid to talk about it is pretty amazing. I love the diversity of it and I hate that some Christians condemn them for being who they are, as if they have the power of God in their hands. As if they talked to him personally and he told them that they are going to hell. I don’t accept it. I just don’t. So yeah, this may be part of the reason I am not a frequent church goer. I am a little all over the place but definitely a spiritual being.

You know what else…I believe in ghosts. I believe in negative and positive energy and I believe that we can overcome these things. Holy crap, I am positive some people have now clicked off of this page because they are now able to confirm that I am insane. It’s okay though, because those that have left are just not my people. That’s alright. I have finally come to a place in my life to be able to accept that and it feels good. I share all of this because these are all things that have made me feel weird and less significant in the past. No more. It’s just me.

I hope that you don’t feel insignificant, but if you do please know that you are not alone. It may even be the people that you least suspect are feeling this same exact way. If you are like me and you overthink a text that was short and barely answered your question. They may have been in a rush or are just not a texter. If you sometimes get what you interpret as a nasty look from people that you care about and take it as a sign that they do not love you like you love them. They may just be thinking about something that is bothering them or having a hard day and you take it personally. If you look in the mirror and feel like you are not special. You are, there are so many people that love and care about you, some just may not say it out loud.

I could go on and on with these two-sided thoughts and I could make someone else even believe, however,  people like me take lots of convincing and may sometimes be the most insecure person masked behind a confident being.

Please know that you are loved. It is okay to be different and unsure. Reach out to someone and tell them how you are feeling. Read books with positive thoughts and sentiments and work on you. It’s okay to take some time for you. Just be you and don’t be afraid to shine. No matter what that may be.

As always, thank you for reading and supporting me and my crazy.

Photo by Hanny Naibaho on Unsplash

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