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Life Without (a Dad)

Updated: Oct 19, 2023



I have kind of been in a dry spell with my blog but that’s about to change. I feel like it needs to really build up and bubble over before I can pour out my heart.

Well…I’m currently bubbling the fuck over.

I feel sick in my stomach with the emotion of it. I am currently reading a novel about a woman (an author) that had a pretty horrible childhood, worse than I can say, but she has this relationship with her Dad that she explains so perfectly as you progress further and further into the book. She is really speaking to me. I am feeling a lot of the same things she is explaining in the book and it is making it all come out. However, at this current point in time I am not feeling the same connection to her dad that she has been able to have throughout her life. She did have points in time when her Dad was there in her childhood and she was able to have that connection that a daughter has with her father, I have never known that feeling. It’s just different. I don’t really know how it couldn’t be.

It’s hard to explain. Luckily, most people I know grew up with a father. I can’t say that they are super close now or anything like that, but they can see their father and feel somewhat of a connection with them.

I don’t have that.

alone, don't look at me, teenage, awkward

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash


I can’t tell you how odd it was to meet this man that was supposedly my father, sometime around fifth grade. He looks at you like, I guess a father looks at his daughter, but to the daughter that doesn’t know their father, it just feels uncomfortable, bordering creepy. I hate to be that way. He is not a creepy guy, but when a father doesn’t see their daughter for years upon years, of course, the daughter will catch him staring at her because how could you not study this person you created and haven’t seen in years? Can you imagine? I cannot. This daughter (me) will do all she can to avoid eye contact because she is shy and the whole situation is beyond awkward to a preteen girl.

That was that. I don’t have a lot to that story. A few letters, presents, phone conversations. It was awkward and weirded me out. I told my mom, the phone calls stopped. Not that they should have. He should have persisted, she should have stayed out of it, but they did and that’s all that I needed to know. I don’t care who said what because in my eyes a parent never stops contacting their child unless the law tells them not to.

See, it didn’t seem like a big deal to me at the time. However, I never really realized that lack of a relationship with the man that is my father was just another piece of the puzzle that leads me to always feeling that I was going to be deserted, I am not enough and people can do with or without me. This is something that I still deal with to this day, although I can tell you that, until the day I die, I will be proving to my children that all of these things are opposite in their circumstances. They do and always will mean the world to their Momma and Daddy.

However, later in life, I did meet my father again. I found him with the help of my Aunt. It was what I had wanted at the time because I knew that Shannon (my fiancé at the time) and I wanted to start a family soon and I wanted to know a little bit more about the other side of my family. My hope was that one day my kids would have 4 very involved grandparents to show them their support.

It’s really hard for me to write about this stuff. I don’t want any advice and I also don’t want any apologies (not that I really get those anyways) or explanations that place blame on anyone. Nope. What I want is action.

calendar, missed dates, don't come

Photo by Adam Tinworth on Unsplash


I want someone to come when they say that they will come. I know you don’t have a lot of money. I know that you intend on coming when you tell me that you will. BUT and this is a big one….don’t say it if you are not one hundred percent sure that it is going to happen. And if you do have to cancel for any one reason, don’t keep putting it off and putting it off because you know you are going to upset the person, so you just don’t say anything.

Yes, this has happened. Numerous times. And yes, I acted like it didn’t bother me, but it really did. So much. It made me push myself further and further away from you.

I have always been an afterthought to you. You may act like that is not the case because supposedly I am on your mind, but I am not a part of your decision making in life. You don’t think about how things you do may affect me and you never have. It’s just is not that way. It never needed to be that way for you. You probably don’t even realize it.

There was one time that I can remember finally feeling like, okay, he’s my Dad and I do love him. That was a nice memory and I can cherish that but it was only a one- time thing and it was when you were not involved in a relationship and gave your attention to me, for once. At that time, I felt important in your life and you showed it. You can speak many words but actions are what count.

You are just an easily distracted person. You have not given my family and I your all, there is no denying this fact. There has been too much hurt and being a person that has been made to feel that I am not important I do not want to take it anymore. It is the least that I deserve.

I have met my siblings through you and for that I am thankful. But that is just where it stands right now. I don’t have room in my heart for more feelings of guilt, more outings of you trying to fit all of your family in, in a short amount of time and I am just another person in your family that you need to fit time in with. Not really quality time, but just for me to be there to say you did it or give you feelings of validations. It’s selfish. Even if you yourself, do not realize this yet.

I choose in my life to be a part of family experience that makes me and my family feel like we are an important part of the event. Not just people that need to be invited because we are in the family. Life is too short to be made to feel like an afterthought.

happy family, included, mental health

Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash


I have validated these exact feelings with my new counselor, it felt good to hear a mental health professional agree with how I am feeling. I will step on the future endeavors with you lightly, but just know that this is my choice right now, but if my heart cannot handle it. I will just stop. I do not need to give more of an explanation. It is all right here. She had even suggested that I should not allow the current visit coming up because it was not a visit that was set up just to see me and my family. It never really is.

Life is too short and I am too worn at this current point in time. This story will continue on, I know that. I know some will not understand why I need to make this public, but that is okay, they don’t have to. I do this for me and my story and I do this to relate with those of you that also feel these same negative feelings.

I have talked to friends that were able to forgive and move forward. Maybe one day I can, too. I am really good at forgiving, but not when it keeps on happening.

As always, thank you for reading and following along on my blogging journey. Your support means the world to me.

~Amanda

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