Well, here we are again, dealing with my long lost (not so far removed) acquaintance, depression. There is no way that I can call you a friend because you truly are not. I feel like I know why you are here but sometimes it is a guessing game to try to get back to some kind of normal.
The undesirable task of going off of meds
I stopped taking a medicine that was like a supplement to my anti-depressant. It was very impressive how quick it had kicked in to combat my seasonal depression. However, I should have known that going off of it was going to be a bitch, because truly, these meds can be tough to taper off of. I had told my psychiatrist I wanted to go off of it when winter was over and here we are. I also have to mention that there were many undesirable side effects, one being extreme fatigue and I just could not handle it anymore. But here I sit wondering if the side effects were worth it. My mind is plagued by this anxiety and depression that I just cannot shake. It's unbearable. I'm sometimes thankful that I am a veteran to all of this because I have my coping mechanisms. I do know the little things that will help ne a little bit. But still. depression really fucking hurts and anxiety makes it hard to function.
Those gnawing thoughts
I realize I have been absent from my writing and maybe, just maybe my depression and anxiety truly do fuel my writing. So hey, thanks for that at least, I guess. But it's hard to sit here when I have all of the thoughts telling me I am not good enough, my writing means nothing and why does it even matter that I put this out there? My hope of all hopes is that it reaches at least one person who knows how this feels and it helps them to know that they are not alone in this.
I still have high hopes of making money off of my blogging but then I remind myself that I am not consistent. It feels like a game of luck to get paid for doing something like this that I love and enjoy. Or is it? Is there some secret place that I need to go to that has all of the secrets to writing and affiliate marketing? Because I have tried some of the methods and so far, I have not even made a penny.
So, I guess I will go back to my writing being a place for someone who is struggling to find hope. To know that you will get through this dark storm even though it feels like you have been stuck here for too long and there is no way out. You just have to keep doing the things that give you some spark of happiness, surrounding yourself with the people you love and showing up. Showing up for yourself more than anything. Even when it feels like the hurdles are too big. Taking the time to do the things that help you through this severe murky waters.
Methods that have helped me
So, with that being said...what exactly am I doing right now to help myself through this?
First and foremost I made an appointment to see my therapist. It had been quite a few months since I had been in but luckily she had been able to squeeze me in for some talk therapy within a few days. Verdict: It did help.
Make that appointment with your psychiatrist! I had an appointment for a few weeks out but thankfully they were able to move it up a little and I'm hoping to get this sorted out. So pretty much, I think I am going to have to try another anti-depressant because the one I have been on for quite a few years is not working so well. Being someone who has gone through this quite a few times, it happens and it is part of the process. I am okay with taking meds and I accept the fact that I need this pill just like others need certain pills to survive.
I am doing daily meditations that are focused on anxiety or depression. I tend to pick the one that is bothering me more that day. I can tell by the knots in my stomach or the feeling of doom. It is just the reality at this point.
I am trying to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week. I tend to go to yoga, which is always my default but I will go to the gym and take end-of-the-day (or beginning of the day) walks with my hubby to get that time in together. It helps a little. I know some people think exercise will cure depression and anxiety but I have found that is truly not the case with me
Be intentional in the time I spend with my family. They are my rock. I make sure to listen intently when my hubby is talking to me, play with my daughter when she wants me to play a little bit, enjoy the cuddles, love on my teen and preteen because my momma heart needs it, and embrace family dinners that we sometimes seem to get away from.
Still, attend the events. This is hard because you want to hide away and not interact but you need to get out. Even just to be around other people and not feel so alone. Do it for you, do it for your family, but try.
Get some vitamin D. Get outside and enjoy the fresh air and the warm sun on your skin (or not so warm if you live somewhere colder). Studies have shown this is good for you. I know it's hard but I promise it will help you.
Don't be afraid to talk about it. I am very open about my struggles. I have been sharing a little bit on some of my social media pages through videos and raw posts. Some people may not be comfortable doing it but then again, you could help someone else that is going through it. You just never know.
I don't write this for accolades, I write this to share my story and hopefully help someone along the way. I have always said it is okay to not be okay but it is not okay to keep struggling. It is not okay to do this alone and it is not okay to not seek professional help. I know it may not feel like it at this point but the world needs you. Your family needs you. Please take care of yourself and reach out to someone today to talk and help you sort some of your emotions out. This comes with all of my love and understanding.
~You are not alone in this.
All my love,
~Amanda
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