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Depression Sucks, But You Don’t Have To.

Mental Health is Never an Easy Fix

Well, holy shit. Let me tell you about trying to get into a doctor to adjust my depression and anxiety meds. I am struggling. No, this is not a whoa is me story to make anyone feel bad for me. More than anything, this is a reminder to those that may know of someone suffering from anxiety or depression to reach out and offer a helping hand. You may think because one has insurance and multiple specialists, it would be easy. But that is so not the case. Not at fucking all. Total B.S.

Life After My Thyroidectomy

I was warned that the days following a thyroidectomy are unpredictable. It can get rough at times and thankfully I have a pretty good support system. However, that support system cannot prescribe and monitor my meds, so that is a whole other ball game.

support, thyroidectomy, support system

My biggest support of all time. Love him so.

The depression has been slowly creeping in. I feel like one week is pretty good and the next is totally horrible. Some days I am so proud of myself and high on a cloud because I am finally feeling better and then a few days later I can’t stop crying. I hate looking at myself in the mirror (although I do it more than I should because I obsess over the blemishes, imperfections, etc.) and I just put myself down. I do my best to hide it from my kids since I wouldn’t want them to fall into the same habit. No one should have to feel anything less than perfect, I just wish I could tell myself that. Shannon usually gets the brunt of it, something I am not proud of but I’m here to tell my truth. If anyone can relate to lashing out at the people they love followed by the guilt of doing so maybe we can help each other. I know for me it is just a cycle because when I feel guilty I get stressed and then lash out some more. It is so fucking hard. So hard.

Unless You Have Been Through It, You Cannot Know

I recently read a post that someone put on social media about people that deal with anxiety and depression and how they have no idea what it really means to suffer, like those in other countries. Now, I get the meaning behind this statement, however, depression is not something that you can just snap out of. You can’t just shut it down because you one day realize how much better off you are than others less fortunate. It is actually a chemical imbalance and some people just really have the shit end of the stick in their chemical makeup. I would like to say that I can understand this just a little bit. I mean, I lived a shit life at times when I was younger and I have dealt with depression for a long flipping time. Yet, here I am at 36, we live in the perfect little neighborhood, have three beautiful and healthy children, the hubby does pretty well and we still love each other and enjoy each other’s company. Well, most of the time. Why the fuck am I so depressed?! I hate it so much. I want to be happy. I want to snap out of it. I want this blurry cloud of sadness and dread to go away. I have been working out, eating better, trying to get more sleep and yet…here I am. Not to discourage anyone from trying to be more healthy and hoping it will relieve some of the pain. What works for some may not work for others and that is ok. I would try anything at this point. So please…if you feel that I should snap out of it and be better because I am lucky…don’t read my shit anymore and go live your life and I will live mine. Yes, I realize that is harsh, but seriously, we are not the same kind of people and that’s just what it is.

Anxiety, depression, self loathing, thyroidectomy, mental health

This pretty much sums up how I was feeling.

Enough Is Enough

So I decided I couldn’t take the constant crying, worry and self-loathing. I need to change this shit. Enough is enough and I know when I need to change meds and take care of business. Well…here’s the problem, my Nurse Practitioner, Emily, lost her job (you know, the one I referenced in a prior post that led me to discover my Thyroid Cancer?).  The practice that Shannon and I have been going to decided to charge membership and make it VIP. Whoop-dee fucking doo. I don’t want to see a doctor every time, I want to see the person that has given me her individualized attention and shown how much my health means to her. So…that practice is out of the picture.

A friend suggested I call my endocrinologist to see if they could help get me into a Psychiatrist sooner. I feel like I need to go to someone that specializes in depression and anxiety medication, especially now that I am dealing with a lack of a thyroid on top of everything else. We all know it takes ages to get into a psychiatrist, which is part of the reason I haven’t gone to one in quite some time. I tend to just go to my general practitioner. Well, the endocrinologist’s office suggested that I call my insurance to get recommendations. Oh wow…really? I would have never thought of that. Sigh.

Next, I call my obgyn office because she has helped me throughout the process of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, and the after. The receptionist was not empathetic and could not get me in until June

People! I have been telling all of them, on the verge of tears, that I am having a hard time with my depression and I had my thyroid removed almost two months ago. I did not get very much sympathy. I know that some of these people just work at the front desk and may not get what I am going through, but shouldn’t there be some kind of protocol if someone calls in and says they are depressed? It’s a good thing I am not suicidal. Seriously though, what would they do if I said that? Would they just wish me good luck and send me on my way? Sad. I hope not.

So lastly, I call the office that our general practice sent our medical paperwork to. Surely they will help. Ha! They were the worst of them all and I ended up hanging up on the rude bitch that answered the phone. I heard “Well they sent us like 7,000 people” and some other bull shit…that was enough for me to decide I did not need to go to that practice. Fuck.

That was the last straw for me and honestly, I felt helpless. Here we are, a family that pays for health insurance. We are supposed to have resources that help us …you know, that we pay big bucks for?! Right.

What do people do when they don’t have insurance? What in the fuck is wrong with this world, or should I say country, that we live in? Something is not right.

So, the next step had to be the dreadful call to the EAP program to get information for psychiatrists and doctors that would most likely not be accepting new patients or not be taking anyone for at least a few months. It’s funny because the trained professionals that answer the calls are always very pleasant and helpful. I wish they could be the ones to help me. It’s just total shit that we always get lists that we call about 5 or more and then we give up. This has happened to me when we were looking for counselors for us or for the kids and when looking for new doctors. Such a flipping ridiculous process. So why do I continue to do it? Well, repetition proves insanity and sometimes we hope with all hope that this time it may work. It doesn’t.

My Husband to the Rescue

I felt defeated and hopeless. I could not stop crying. So, I called my husband.

Shannon and I have been going through a little bit of a rough patch. I’m sure it is because of all we have going on with Shannon looking for a new job, me recovering from my thyroidectomy and dealing with all of the hormone and body changes, the kids, life, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  Yeah, I guess all of those things could put a damper on a relationship and make it hard. Imagine that.

So anyways…I call the hubby. I’m bawling. I can’t say he’s surprised. I’m a crier and I have been going through a lot. Either way, he took the driver’s seat and didn’t look back. He told me he would find us a new doctor and that he would get me an appointment soon. Don’t worry about it.

husband, anxiety, depression, support

He always has my back. Since the beginning. This was taken on our honeymoon. One of my faves.

Yes, he had to go through all of the stupid hassles I went through, but did he complain? Nope.

All of that rough shit we have been going through lately, well it seemed to evaporate. When I need him, and I really did need him at that moment, he is there and he takes care of business. Appointment made. Hopefully, I can get a little bit more back to my normal.

This is kind of a hard place to be because I don’t know if it is my thyroid levels or my depression/anxiety meds. However, one thing I will never do is just sit back and wait for things to get worse. I am kind of the center of my household and I refuse to be beaten down and defeated without a fight. I will always be my advocate and I will continue to work towards a better me.

Be There for Others When You Can

That being said, this post was written to remind us that there are some people out there that don’t have these kinds of resources. They may not have the spousal or friend support. They may not even know where to begin to look, heck they may not even have insurance. This is a reminder to me, this is a reminder to all of us to be that friend or even acquaintance that steps in and helps. Even if it is just a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen,  or an extra hand to look through the various options of places to go for help. There are resources and there are people out there that can help.

In my quest to look for support,  I have now talked to a few people that have given me resources nearby that can be used if you are in emergent need of psychological help and services. If you have resources that help those that are in need of mental health services but may not have insurance, can you message me with that information? I would greatly appreciate it.

Our hearts are all fragile.

~Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Be kind. Always.

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